12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
