Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
