My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
