he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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