I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Drake has all the answers
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
