sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The feeling are messing with the penis
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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