i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
