if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
