I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
