My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
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my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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