I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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