he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
my poor anus
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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