I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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