Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
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Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
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i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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