so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
