omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
