Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
