I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
