Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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