I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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