just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
