she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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