hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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