You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
