He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
