I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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