I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
