Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
