i think my tv is drunk
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
