New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
