In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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