I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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