You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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