there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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