She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
