Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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