I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I miss vodka workout Fridays
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
