I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
