Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
