it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
