I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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