I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
