i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
