I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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