so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
