She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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