I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
