my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
