Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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