We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
