If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
