He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
