so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
