Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
