I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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