Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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