Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
