End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
