I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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