If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
