The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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