it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
