im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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