he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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