i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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