I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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