watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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