My first STD was from a foam party
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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